So Justin Beiber is in more trouble. American are signing petitions to have him deported. He’s facing charges in Canada. His Monkey is learning German. Everyone is shaking their heads in disgust and telling the multi-millionaire superstar its time to stop being such a child!
Here is My Letter of Advice to Justin Bieber
Come on Justin, Grow Up, You’re Nineteen!
Stop messing around and get it together! You need to follow my example from when I was nineteen.
I had a job, earning a wage. I didn’t make as much as you, but what I did make was all mine to do with whatever I wanted. I was never stuck for a carton of eggs.
There was that one summer night, my friends and I so annoyed this group of girls, that in order to demonstrate the depths of their displeasure with us, they pelted my car with eggs. Mistakenly believing this could be a sign of affection on their part we quickly purchased our own carton of eggs and pelted them back as a way to let them know we thought they were hot. Unfortunately this only annoyed them more.
Okay, maybe that was not a good example.
When I was nineteen, we would often race around town all hours of the night, refusing to go home till the sun was about to come up.
Okay, that wasn’t a good example either.
The year I was nineteen, while behind the wheel, I was pulled over by the cops more then a dozen times. One night, twice, by two different officers, within 10 minutes of each other.
Hang on, don’t follow this example! (Though for the record, out of those stops I only received one ticket for not coming to a complete stop and one warning for burned out tail light.)
When I was nineteen I was never caught driving without a license, though I did have my licensed autographed by band members who played at various concerts I had attended. It was the only piece of paper I had on me for them to autograph. The officers were not pleased when trying to read my details.
Don’t pay attention to what I just said,.
One time when I was 19 an officer searched my car for drugs.
Again, bad example.
Oh here is a good example, when I was 19 I didn’t spit on anyone, though we did bomb these girls in a drive by water ballooning.
This doesn’t impress the ladies. It makes you look like an idiot, so don’t follow that example.
When I was 19 I never claimed to be Michael Jackson. Though Thriller was released that year and we would suddenly break into the zombie dance for no apparent reason in public places.
This is harder then I thought.
Hmmm, When I was nineteen I let this gorgeous brunette who really liked me slip through my fingers…
Forget that, let’s not go there.
I got it. When I was nineteen I never assaulted a limo driver. There were no limos in our small town, but a bus driver once sent me to the principal for being disruptive.
No, wait, that was when I was nine not nineteen, sorry.
Justin, everyone is saying you need to grow up, but come on, you’re only nineteen!
Now that I think about it I didn’t grow up till I was 28. Fortunately, I didn’t have my every move, watched and recorded by blood thirsty paparazzi. I didn’t have the responsibility of being a role model to millions of gullible sponges. I didn’t have the pressures of performing for an industry depended on you making them rich. If this is the price that comes with making it big, I do not envy you your success. When I was nineteen at least I was able to be nineteen, and enjoy it. When I messed up and made mistakes the world wasn’t there condemning me and determined to put me down, I was able to learn from them, grow and move on.
I am not going to judge you for being nineteen, I am not going to condemn you for doing the stuff a nineteen year old does. I am sorry, that you won’t get to experience nineteen the same way most of the rest of us have. But that is the price of your success. Realize you have to be different, and make the best of it.
My best advice for you about being nineteen, is, in your case, don’t be nineteen.
Oh and I just remembered, when I was nineteen we wore our hats proper… so please, Justin, please! For the love of all that is good and decent in this world, turn that stupid hat around!
With sincerity, once nineteen,