Yes, it’s true. Ever since Christmas 1972, when Santa messed up and delivered me the French speaking GI Joe, instead of the English, the big guy and I have been on uneasy terms.” –BRAD

It’s a brand new year and where have all our bad guys gone, the despots who’s names we instantly link with terror and madness? Names universally recognized and reviled: Osama  bin Laden, now sleeping with the fishes; Muammar Gaddafi, last moments on Earth hiding in a drainage pipe, Kim Yung Il, resting in a box of glass (a very short box of glass).

In a single year, three of the world’s top madmen are wiped from the face of the planet. It’s as if the universe is clearing the slate, getting rid of all our bad guys in preparation for something big to come, something huge to fill the void of darkness, something very evil to replace the clenched fists of the tin-pot dictators who have moved on to much warmer pastures.

I know who this new coming tyrant is; Santa!

With Christmas past I was able to listen closely to a number of holiday songs and came to a startling realization. Santa is not the jolly old elf we believe him to be.

Let’s take the example of his relationship with Rudolph. Santa was well aware of this reindeer with the red nose, for on that Christmas Eve when the fog rolled in he knew exactly who to call. Yet, up until that moment, when Rudolph was able to full fill a need required by Santa, the bearded man of the North Pole was quite content to allow his other reindeer to mistreat, alienate and emotionally abuse the scarlet-nosed mutant deer. Not once did he bother to step in and attempt to bring about peace, harmony nor the good will he pretends to be famous for. What if there had never been a foggy Christmas Eve? Would Rudolph still be the object of ridicule and scorn among his peers, pushed further and further till his psychotic break ended in a pile of tiny elves’ broken bodies covered in bloody hoof prints.

Santa could easily have convinced the others to let Rudolph play. After all, he is a master-manipulator. Look how he seeks to control the population’s behaviour through materialistic greed, threatening to withhold presents and gifts if his standard of niceness is not met. A standard, I should add,  that is extremely vague and confusingly nebulous. Can anyone direct me to a comprehensive list of requirements of niceness levels needed to avoid getting a lump of environmentally destructive coal in my stocking? Anyone?

Santa, without any respect for personal privacy, delights in his peeping tomary. Watching us when we sleep is creepy enough. Watching us when we are awake is worse still. Does this include when we shower, suffering diarrhoea, before our make-up is applied?

Does he really need to eat all those cookies? Couldn’t he eat some and donate the rest; simply drop some off at local food banks, sharing the sweets with the needy instead of hoarding it all for his own appetites?

What about his indiscriminate bombing of innocent civilians? Yes after 24 hours in flight those reindeer will have to poop. Just pray its not over your home.

Who is going to fill the boots of our deceased vile madmen? Santa has a very big pair, which, not surprisingly, are the appropriate colour – black. He also has the beard of Osama, the colourful outfits of Gadaffi and the round little belly of Kim Jung.

In 2012, the Big Bad is coming and his name is Santa. Don’t for an instant believe you are safe. He’s Coming to town.

Your town!

“Next Year I’ll not just circle the planet, I’ll own it!”

7 thoughts on “Thought 99: Santa Claus is coming to town—HIDE!

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