I think by now, if you haven’t completely forgotten about it, you are wondering what I actually did about the woman I seen blowing in the wind last week. If you missed it, or need to refresh your memory, click here.
Today is the day I tell you what happened.
WHAT DID I DO ABOUT A WOMAN BLOWING IN THE WIND?
The alarm sounds and I crawl out of bed. I feel the house shake a little; another windy day. My car warms up and I am off to work. The morning is uneventful. On my lunch break I head to the grocery story to pick up several thing to have for my noon meal and pay for it with a gift card I received last Christmas.
I exit the grocery store with my bag of groceries in one hand… It is very windy and I have to lean forward to make my way into the wind. I hear the sound of clip, clip, clip, clip, coming towards me on the pavement, I look up to see a tall, slim, blonde woman, trying to keep her balance as the wind blows her across the parking lot… The wind is so strong she is unable to stop. She has a worried look on her face.
I have three seconds to make a decision.
I decide not to ignore her plight as I lean into the wind and stretch out my free arm and hook her around her waist as she blows by. I scoop her to safety, allowing her to lean her back against my chest, bracing her against the wind. Then with my chin over her shoulder I whisper into her ear. “You are safe, I have you now. ” We stand there as a sudden stronger gust of wind blows past us with no effect. She giggles, snuggles into me, turns her head towards me with a smile, kisses me on the check and calls me her hero. She offers to reward me by buying me lunch, which I graciously accept. I borrow her mobile phone to call into work and take the rest of the day off with sick time I had saved up. We have a wonderful time and decide to take a walk hand in hand afterwards. As the evening approaches we watch the sun set and smile and laugh as we count the stars. We kiss and she unexpectedly says, marry me. I just as unexpectedly say OK, and I get down on my knee and propose on the spot. We find the mayor and he marries us right away. The ceremony is short and sweet, witnessed by the town hall’s night cleaning staff. I carry you across the threshold and we kiss long and slow. The doorbell rings, interrupting our kiss. I open it and your mother pushes me aside and moves in, telling me to get her luggage and pay the cab. She sits herself in my chair and uses my wide-screen TV to watch multiple episodes of Coronation Street and reruns of the view. The doorbell rings again. I open it and your unemployed, freeloading brother high fives me and punches my shoulder hard, calling me Broooooo. He pushes me aside and moves in, telling me to get his luggage and pay the cab. He cranks up the volume on my radio, blasting my place with old fashion country and western twang, then proceeds to use up all the bandwidth on my internet service downloading illegal episodes of Murder She wrote and Matlock for the new girlfriend he just met on “plenty of fish dot com” and just invited to come and live with him rent free. She will be bringing her six babies too. He asks if I can get her luggage and pay the cab when she arrives. The doorbell rings and I am surprised to see my new wife’s 6’5, 350 pound monster of a very jealous ex-boyfriend standing there crying worse then six babies. The 5’3, 102 pound harpy of a very jealous girlfriend that he had previously left my wife for had kicked him out of the house when she caught him thanking a dude who had prevented him from blowing into a storefront earlier in this windy day. With no where to turn he found his way here. My wife comforts him on the front porch and informs me she has invited him to stay with use till he gets back on his feet. He proceeds to clean out the food in my fridge, high fives my new, Broooooooo, and sits with my new mother in law in front of the TV, shouting through tears at the British soap opera stars not to make the same mistakes with their lives that he has. I find my wife answering the door bell. The woman arriving passes over 3 crying babies to my wife before heading back to the cab to get three more mewling infants which she places in my arms. She apologizes for the crying sextuplets and explains they need to be feed, burped and changed. I try not to drop the babies. Her luggage is still in the cab so she tells me not to worry, she’ll go get it. She then jumps in the cab and it drives off into the winter night. We never her see her again. My my new bro in law racks up internet over-usage charges searching for a new girl friend to move in. Mother in law shouts from the living room to shut the crying babies up because she can’t hear Joy argue with Elisabeth. The door is kicked in by the 5’3, 102 pound harpy of a very jealous girlfriend burst in screaming for her man. She sees my wife and roars that she should of known her gutless, 6’5, 350 pound monster of a very weak-spined boyfriend would have come crawling back to his ex.
The ambulance and police arrive with lights flashing. Vegetative states are entered. Dental bills are incurred. Tasered are discharged and frying bacon impressions are made. Forever I am made fun of for getting the crap kicked out of me by a girl. Noses are broken, teeth are cracked. Department of Child Welfare is called. The internet is disconnected. Furniture is thrown, wide-screen TV are smashed. The lights go out. Shots are fired. Funeral arrangements are made.
I find my self in shredded clothes running across the grocery store parking lot screaming for this day to please please please end. I start slamming my head against the storefront window until mercifully unconsciousness claims me.
No one will like me after this after sharing this. 😦
This is now the worst day of my life!
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY EVERYONE