I think I can emphasize with Goliath, but he never had to deal with Pepsi cravings.
The only thing worse then having a warm 2 litre bottle of Pepsi in the house is having a warm 2 litre bottle of Pepsi and no ice in the house. It was one of those hot humid summer nights when the air is absolutely still and sweat coats your body just for breathing. Everything sweltered. It is a time when a large cold glass of Pepsi, chilled with large cubes of ice, would be just the thing to cool and refresh the inside parts suffering in the sweltering heat.
I had a brand-spanking new unopened 2 litre bottle of Pepsi but it was at that moment I realized that I had forgotten to put in the fridge so it sat there on the counter approaching the boiling point in the sweltering heat. I didn’t think it was that big of a problem to overcome till I opened the freezer door and found that the ice cube tray was empty save for half a cube stuck in the corner. In a moment of anger I slammed the ice cube tray down on the counter top and the single remaining chunk of ice popped out, landed on the floor and slide under the stove, and there it remains to this day.
My thirst would not be quenched with warm Pepsi and I was fearful that I would die of dehydration long before my bottle of soda chilled in the refrigerator. So I tipped the bottle on its side and slide in into the freezer into the space the ice cube tray had previously occupied and suffered in thirst for the next hour. Unfortunately, watching TV I became enthralled with a riveting episode of the Mythbusters and as things were blown up and destroyed repeatedly in slow motion the time I had allotted for my Pepsi to chill in the freezer doubled.
During a commercial my thirst reminded me the choice of a new generation was awaiting me in the freezer.
The bottle was frosted and its contents had achieved the consistency of slush, It was on the verge of freezing solid but had not yet done so. That meant it would be as cold as it could possibly get before transforming to ice. It was perfection. My mouth watered as my tongue slowly caressed my parched lips while deep inside my brain the caffeine craving centres of my mind screamed to be pleasured.
I cradled my treasure and walked over to the sink, knowing from past experience never to open a freezing bottle of soda over a clean floor. Simply said, streaming fizz hisses as soda stoppers slowly slide aside. To prevent this I held the bottle over the sink and twisted the cap just enough to crack the seal and release the pressure. To my surprise the familiar hiss of escaping gas did not sound. I twisted the cap slowly a little more and my 2 litre bottle of Pepsi sat there in the sink remaining strangely mute.
I was confused. Was my soft drink flat? Was I unfortunate enough to pick up a malfunctioning bottle of soda? I twisted the cap all the way off and stood there with puzzled expression of total bewilderment on my face; looking down at my bottle like some towering giant of a goliath staring at a puny stripling of a kid before him wondering if this seriously can be happening.
My Pepsi has frozen in the neck of the bottle forming a plug of solid ice, sealing the plastic bottle so tight that not even the gas could escape. It was a cruel trick to play on a thirsty man. That single plug of ice was all that separated me from the thirst quenching drink I desired so intensely.
So I poked it with my finger.
It wouldn’t move. I pushed it harder but it would not slide from the place it corked. I turned the bottle upside down. I squeezed the sides. Nothing would move that plug of ice. I placed the bottle back in sink staring down at the bothersome chuck of ice in the neck and pondered my next move; baffled.
There was no need to ponder for my next move was completely involuntary. A loud popping noise burst in the kitchen as a cascade of stars exploded in front of me blinding my vision. A stab of pain split my head and I stumbled backwards across the kitchen. If it wasn’t for the counter behind me I would of ended up on the floor, flat on my back. The sharp pain in my head faded to a dull ache focused on the rising welt on my forehead just between my eyebrows and my vision became less blurred. I could now make out my bottle of Pepsi in the sink with a geyser of foam gushering into the air like a fountain of cola.
“My Pepsi!” Angry that my soft drink was going flat as all the carbon dioxide fizz sprayed free I rushed towards the sink to save what bubbles I could. I stepped on the plug of ice where it had landed on the floor after bouncing off my skull. I slid across the tile floor skidding into the sink. My spewing bottle of Pepsi thudded on its side where it continued to spray and spill its content down the drain.
When silence returned I was standing there looking down at the half empty bubble-free bottle of Pepsi in the sink. Sticky puddles of cola pooled on the counter and dripped down the cupboards and walls. The bullet of ice that had shot out of the bottle hitting me in the head was melting on the floor at my feet. I took a deep breath to calm myself and felt something drop on my hair. I looked up at the ceiling and another drop of Pepsi plopped into my eye from the huge patch of cola that stained the ceiling up there.
My understanding of how Goliath must have felt in his final seconds of life had greatly increased. Just after a confident, young shepherd smacked him in the forehead with a single, smooth stone, I now had a better idea of how stupid the tall Philistine must have felt at that instant in time.
I mopped the ceiling that night and if I was a giant, I wouldn’t have had to stand on a chair.
-Brad Locke- 11.22.10
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